If I let in the laughter, the tears will follow.

It has been more than a week since my darling grandson landed once again in my arms, and yet I have not written a single blog about him. Rest assured he has not lost his incredible ways - granny speak - and has come up with loads of moments that can only been described as pure unadulterated joy. No, it is Nani who seems to have changed. She has become numb and frightened of opening the little door in her heart that leads to laughter but also tears.

That door was shut tight and double locked in July 2013 when she heard the word lymphoma appended to the name Ranjan. She knew that if she were to leave even the smallest of interstices, the flood gates would open and that was something she could not have happen.

What she did not realise was that there would be a huge price to pay.

Today I am so numbed that I have become impervious to the joys of life, even the ones as precious as those that I am being smothered with for the past days: the little and tight hugs, the kisses, the endearing eyes, the welcomed manipulations. Don't think I do not answer with the right responses, far from that! But I realise that everything stops at the shut door and what I say, do, get manipulated into doing is part of the act I had to master to deal with Ranjan's cancer.

It is not a happy situation. But I am terrified of letting down my well honed armour as I know that it cannot be selective. If I let in the laughter, the tears will follow.