Musings

It has been a while since I have not updated this blog though before I go into my rants and raves, let me assure you that Ranjan is doing well. He even went for a one night business trip and wonders of wonders did not forget to have his medicines or mix them up as he did in the past. I still remember the day when he called me up and said that he had had his morning medicines at night! It is hard to do this as I give him neatly marked packets and instructions and when possible call him or SMS him when it is pill time. This time he was spot on. But it was only one night out. He has to go for 5 nights out end of next month and I am wrecking my brain to work out the way in which I will need to pack his medication. I am also worried about his food as there is no way I can get him organic food in Calcutta, I rang up the hotel where he stayed last and asked them if they had 'organic' food and pat came the reply: yes Ma'am we have 'oriental' food. So must give him instructions about what to eat and what not to eat within the choices available at Golf Clubs and hotels. This I guess is also part of the new normal I have been talking about for some time now. Will get to that soon.

Ranjan has been complaining about losing his college day weight. It had reached 67 kilos at its nadir and though he felt kicked about fitting in my jeans, he looked like death warmed up. he is now back to his normal weight hovering around 75 kilos and this morning Doc Paul told me that putting on weight was one of the most positive things that could happen.

As I said we are getting used to our new normal. For the next 5 months or so there are no earth shattering medical tests, just a few routine blood counts. The next one is on Feb 10th. So the new normal is actually trying to put into practice all the research I have done. Some things are easy: nutrition, supplements etc. Others more difficult. Whereas Ranjan has begun mild exercise today - Hurrah - as till date he kept complaining of the cold, the yoga, breathing, grounding, meditating and reversing the negative loop are appearing to be quite a challenge. So my day is spent nagging and my partner in crime in this is Agastya my grandson who never forgets to ask his nanou if he has jumped on the trampoline the required number of times, and either makes him jump there and then while keeping a watchful eye, or makes and angry face and gets off Skype. This works. Actually I think I may just ask his help for the yoga, meditation etc.

I too am trying to find my new normal and have to do so without help as it is all in my head. The days seems empty. I need to kick myself and get back to writing my second book that is half way through. I also need to start thinking of the future of project why. Above all I must start ignoring the elephant in my head: the June scan and its results.

I will get there. I have to. When and how remains to be seen.

The positive tetris effect

This post is extremely important for us to ensure that the big C does not reappear in R's life. I am convinced that it is an overload of negative thoughts and energies that opened the door to Sir Hodgkin and thus the only way to keep him out for the years we have left on our planet is to rewire R's brain for positivity. This is no easy task and has required some research on my part. Here are the fruits of that research.

It is said that we need to rewire our brain for positivity and happiness. The power of the negative seems stronger than that of the positive and there is a reason to that. So why is it, that our brains have a such a negativity bias? The reason is quite simple: They’re actually wired to pay more attention to negative experiences. It’s a self-protective characteristic. We are  scanning for threats from when we used to be hunter and gatherers. But such vigilance for negative information can cause a narrowing, downward spiral and a negative feedback loop that doesn’t reflect reality. If you just press on your pause button - not an easy task for hyper people like me - and reflect on your thoughts, you will, if you are honest to yourself realise how much time you spend on negative thoughts as compared to positive ones. I often tell the pwhy kids how we remember for long the ONE time our mother put too much salt in the food and forget the hundreds of time she did not.

 Now we all know that negativity in any form is bad for us in every which way possible. We know that negative emotions can eat away at our productivity, creativity, decision-making skills and health. What is amazing is that we have the ability to break out of that negative feedback loop and we can actually rewire our brains to think positively. Understanding how the brain can refashion its own connections is the key to unlocking the durable power of positive thinking.

Fortunately we can rewire our brain. It is called the Tetris effect. Anyone who has played the brick falling game knows the game’s surreal ability to spill into real life. After you shut off the game, you still see those Tetris blocks falling in your mind’s eye. A recent study found that playing Tetris can grow your brain and make it more efficient. 

Since Ranjan started feeling sick, I realised that he was losing his concentration be it his ability to play the piano or his propensity in reading books. I am not a brain game fan but have found myself playing them sometimes as I was told it was a way of exercising the brain and keeping it from rusting. I also found how one got better and better at a particular game if one played regularly or how quickly one's scores dropped if one had not played for a while. I suggested this to Ranjan but he was not at all willing. It was a time when we did not know of his cancer.

Tetris affects the brain’s plasticity, or the brain’s ability to change structurally.  Every time you reactivate a circuit, synaptic efficiency increases, and connections become more durable and easier to reactivate. So to sum up, whenever you do specific tasks over and over again, they take up less of your brain power over time. And that’s pretty amazing, as this will be the basis for a huge opportunity to change our behaviour for the better.

The question that arises then is how to fight or negative bias? We can harness the brain’s plasticity by training our brain to make positive patterns more automatic. We need to practise looking for, and being aware of the good and positive things in our life and thus we fight off the brain’s natural tendency to scan for and spot the negatives. Naturally we bring ourselves into better balance. We can retrain the brain to scan for the good things in life!

Yes, so something as trivial as the game of Tetris can have a scientifically measurable effect on people’s brains and invade their dreams. If that’s the case, the impact of practising and retaining a more positive thinking pattern, especially on our well being and happiness, can be even more powerful.

The question you may ask is how does one go about it. It is like learning a new language and so though at the beginning. We need to build a habit. I as once said it takes 66 days!

So let us get started:

1. Scan your brain for three daily positives. Every evening think of 3 good things that happened to you and ponder over the and record them. It could be anything: a call from a old friend, the sound of rain, a nice meal: try and celebrate every small moment of joy.

2. Give a shout out to someone daily. Take the positive you are now noticing and let one person know, your partner, a member of your family. You can send an e mail to someone who cares. I do this daily with my blog:)

3. Do something nice. Acts of kindness bounce back on you. I am a veteran on and have said it from day 1 more than 13 years ago. I get more than I give. If you pause to do something nice for someone you get out of your negativity loop and is the best way to make yourself happier. Say something nice to someone, buy them something or just smile and say thank you to those around you.

4. Mind your mind. Pay attention to the present moment without judgement. Open your mind beyond your negativity. mindfulness meditation has also been shown to affect the brain’s plasticity, increasing gray matter in the hippocampus, an area of the brain important for learning, memory, and emotion, and reducing gray matter in the amygdala, an area of the brain associated with stress and anxiety.

The best teacher of mindfulness is undoubtedly Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen Buddhist monk. I had given Ranjan a book of his but at that time I did not know how much it could help him and though Ranjan read it, I do not think he implemented the approach.

To be mindful, this is what the master suggests:

1. Do one thing at a time. Single-task, don’t multi-task. When you’re pouring water, just pour water. When you’re eating, just eat. That means that if I am pouring water I should do it with full concentration. Let us remember the Zen proverb: Zen proverb: “When walking, walk. When eating, eat.” Again an toughie for me

2. Do it slowly and deliberately. You can do one task at a time, but also rush that task. Instead, take your time, and move slowly. Make your actions deliberate, not rushed and random. It takes practise, but it helps you focus on the task.

3. Do less. If you do less, you can do those things more slowly, more completely and with more concentration. Not easy for me.

4. Spend at least 5 minutes each day doing nothing. Just sit in silence. Become aware of your thoughts. Focus on your breathing. Notice the world around you.

5. Stop worrying about the future – focus on the present. Become more aware of your thinking — are you constantly worrying about the future? Learn to recognise when you’re doing this, and then practice bringing yourself back to the present.

6. Keep practising. When you get frustrated, just take a deep breath. When you ask yourself, “What should I do now, Self?”, the answer is “keep practicing”

When I look back at the past 5 years or so, I can now pinpoint when Ranjan's descent to hell started. From that moment most of his time was spent talking about the hurt he had been subjected to and he entered a negativity loop that he has still not broken out of. And what is worse is that keeping the topic on the front burner turned on high, more and more negativity was unearthed, even things unknown and forgotten. he has to get out of the loop otherwise no matter what we do, what course of treatment we take, what nutrition programme we follow, it will all come to nought.

I know he is better

August 2013

January 2014

I do not need to look at these pictures to know that Ranjan is much better. Actually in more ways than one he is back to his good old self! I never in my wildest dream thought that I would miss the 'ill' Ranjan but in some ways I do. Wonder why? When he was unwell and in his on own words 'felt that his system was falling apart' he was compliant as the most angelic child. He never grumbles, ate what you gave him, did not make any demands, came to which ever doc I took him too even the ayurved who limited his diet to rice and squashes! He swallowed pills and powders and brews, bore his chemo with remarkable courage. I knew he just wanted to be well again. And thank God he did. Forget remissions and similar medical jargon. I know he is well as he is back to his old self his favourite game: bantering with me. Oh he still has his brews and pills but not without a bit of jesting. Though he will eat what I give, his first answer to why 'what do you want for lunch/dinner' has to be raclette, achar meat or any of the things he loves but cannot still have. Cigars and Scottish water are also reasons to quip, all in great spirit but I who would have taken everything he threw at me till a few weeks back find myself reacting and feeling a little vexed.

But I know Ranjan, I know he is grateful and appreciative of all I have done and I know that all his jesting and quipping has another meaning altogether. But then am I not also prisoner of the faults and idiosyncrasies of a only child.

Must find a way out as we still have a long way to go. Maybe one raclette this winter would be a way out!

Let us not waste a single minute

What Cancer Cannot Do

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple love.

It cannot shatter hope.

It cannot corrode faith.

It cannot eat away peace.

It cannot destroy confidence.

It cannot kill friendship.

It cannot shut out memories.

It cannot silence courage.

It cannot reduce eternal life.

It cannot quench the Spirit.

If there is one thing cancer has taught us, and I mean Ranjan and I, as it affected both of us deeply, is that it can only take away from us what we allow it to. And even if it does take away a little something it is nothing in comparison to what it gives us: it gives the ability and propensity to savour every thing we once took for granted and urges us to look at life as the greatest gift that God has given us. I understand today why Kamala my mother refused any pain killer stating stubbornly that she wanted to live life till and remain aware till her last breath, in spite of the pain and suffering. Cancer also gives us the opportunity to be grateful for everything bestowed upon us, even what may seem unfair or unjust. I understand today the unwavering faith of my father, the many 'leave it to guru Maharaj' that use to make me so angry specially coming from a man who was Cartesian in all other matters. The last 'leave it to guru maharaj' led to his passing as his life had come in the way of my freedom.

It would be foolish for us not to understand the lesson that God has sent us in the form of an uncontrolled division of Ranjan's abnormal cells. This is a one in a life time chance and we need to grab it with both hands. I do not know what Ranjan's view is. Unlike me he is a private person and rarely opens his heart. I would so like him to start writing, even if it is for himself. It is such a cathartic experience!

What Ranjan and I need today is to Create physical, mental and spiritual balance that is a necessity for good health. We need to cultivate balance and harmony in every way possible. One of the first things I plan to begin tomorrow itself is breathing and meditation. Maybe if we do it together we will not slink away with silly excuses.

It is said that walking barefoot on the grass - and we have a small patch - does wonders to one's immune system. Grounding is a way to receive negative electrons from the earth and balance out the body’s biological rhythms in order to self-regulate and heal itself. When the body has an excessive positive charge, inflammation and physiological dysfunction arise. The benefits of grounding have been extolled by many. There are scientific facts that prove this. Earthing research shows associations between lack of grounding and autonomic nervous system imbalances; immune system irregularities(; chronic pain and stiffness; endocrine disorders including thyroid, cortisol and glucose regulation problems; sleep irregularities; low zeta potential on the surface of red blood cells (the electrical charge that influences blood viscosity)(8); and respiratory conditions. That should convince all of us to take those darned shoes off and walk on the bare ground. And if this does not convince you then it has been proved that physical contact with the Earth—or lack thereof—affects inflammation, a causal influence in most common diseases. Inflammation has been linked to rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes, asthma, multiple sclerosis, lupus, autism, atherosclerosis, Alzheimer’s, bowel disorders, osteoporosis and cancer. 

Grounding is not difficult. In its most basic form, Earthing is as simple as doing what people have done for eons: walk, run, or sit outside barefoot. Anyone can do it. Conductive surfaces include sand, dirt, gravel, grass and concrete. Wet surfaces are more conductive than dry. So I guess we will put this on our life menu.

But the most mind boggling discovery I have made in my research on how to boost the immune system is that gratitude helps boost the immune system. It said that gratitude has 31 benefits. Read these links. Let us stop complaining and be grateful for everything that has come our way.

A whole new life awaits Ranjan and I for as long as God wills it. Let us not waste a single minute!

The no noes

In the last few blogs I have spoken at length about the things to do to boost the immune system from rebounding to supplements to sunshine and nutrition. Today I will address the no noes and these are Alcohol, Smoking and Drugs. Drugs is no issue with Ranjan and has never been. But the other two are big problems.

When we got married I was the 'boozer'. Ranjan only drank shandies with more club lemonade than beer. But things changed over the years and now his idea of a good life is 2 large whiskies, preferably a Single Malt, a day. But it is said  that alcohol consumption not only blocks nutrient absorption, but also reduces white blood cells in the bloodstream impacting the amount of oxygen that flows throughout the body.[2] It also impairs the function of b-lymphocytes, which produce antibodies to fight off invaders, making you more vulnerable to viruses and bacteria. Oops that is not great news. Doctor P suggested he drinks on special occasions, the Tibetan doctor felt he could have one small drink a week. Now Doctor Anou has still to decide and that is what I am trying to do. After chemo the liver will be working overtime to clear the chemo toxins so it is no point loading it with extra toxins .Alcohol can interfere with the liver's ability to do its job and the patient can suffer. Alcohol does affect the immune system as it produces an overall nutritional deficiency, depriving the body of valuable immune- boosting nutrients. Alcohol, like sugar, consumed in excess can reduce the ability of white cells to kill germs. High doses of alcohol suppress the ability of the white blood cells to multiply, inhibit the action of killer white cells on cancer cells, and lessen the ability of macrophages to produce tumour necrosis factors. So even if you do not have a declared cancer, we still have some cancer cells that the immune system takes care off. Alcohol comes in the way! Most articles on the subject consider moderate drinking safe in healthy people. However Doc Anou truly feels that as things stand now, it would be irresponsible to get back to the daily sun downers.

We all know that no matter how well all therapies have worked better than expected there is some chance alcohol would make any residual cancer grow again and spread. That to my mind this is sufficient to accept the occasional drink option.

Let us look at smoking now. In Ranjan's case it is the cigar. Smoking also makes it more difficult to destroy viruses, bacteria and cancer cells by effecting the antibodies. The chemicals introduced by smoking leads to oxygen depletion, lung damage, susceptibility to illness, and impaired heart rate function and blood pressure. Smoking cessation lowers the risk of cancer recurring or of new cancers developing.  Now we know that Ranjan was given Bleomycin which is known to affect the lungs. I found this comment interesting: If you are receiving bleomycin as part of the treatment of lymphoma, smoking is especially dangerous. Bleomycin by itself has the potential to cause lung damage, and this can be worsened by smoking. Ultimately, this may impact how well you are able to carry out regular exercise or activities and could lead to lung cancer. So here again I would say the occasional cigar. Though there are studies that highlight the bad effects of cigar smoking and even say that smoking these maybe worse than cigarettes. Cigars and pipes differ in design from cigarettes, which are made from tobacco wrapped in thin paper. Cigars are wrapped in tobacco leaves, and unlike cigarettes, they don't typically have filters. In pipes, the tobacco sits in a bowl at the end, and a stem connects the bowl to the mouthpiece.

Need I say more!

Fly Ranjan fly

Some of you, of my vintage at least, would remember the Silver Convention and their hit song Fly Robin Fly up up to the sky! I remembered this tune when I sent Ranjan off this morning to Kolkata where he has a business meeting. He will be back tomorrow late night. This is a big step after the almost decadent life we have been compelled to live courtesy Sir Hodgkin, but also because it was appealing with the cold winds blowing and the delicious comfort of our electric blankets purchased this year and that turned the bed into a real cocoon. At first it was a bit awkward and one felt sort of guilty lying in bed, I mean me as Ranjan was truly unwell, but with time it became a habit. 66 days is all it takes for something to become a habit! This bed became virtually home.

This extremely decadent picture was taken a few days back when one of Ranjan's two best friends came to spend two days. The weather Gods decreed that this was the only place as it poured and became extremely cold.

But the Robin had to fly, I mean Ranjan! So this morning at 5am he left the house and I just received a call that he has landed safely. I am so relieved. The last 2 days were tense as I was planning to figure out how I would pack his medicines and supplements and more than that what he would eat. I spend hours briefing him, kudos to him for not having given me a whack.

I guess the control freak has to give in a little as Ranjan has to live a normal life, but I am still scared. The last results were better but two tumour markers were still somewhat above the acceptable minimum. I will have to find some coping strategy that allows me to keep a hawk like eye without Ranjan feeling watched.

But I am thrilled he has gone for a night to attend to his business. I am sure he will be back empowered and energised.

Now its time to move

Let us take one more step on our immunity building journey. And here the word step is appropriate as one of the good immune boosters is undoubtedly exercise! Moderate exercise is good for the immune system. It stimulates the immune system by increasing oxygen flow and blood circulation throughout the body. it also slows the release of stress hormones, flushes out bacteria from the lungs, eliminates cancer causing cells through urine and sweat, and circulates white blood cells at a faster rate. Wow!
But it is important not to overdo it. So what are best forms of exercise one should adopt?

For someone with lymphoma, rebounding or jumping on a trampoline is priceless. Rebounding kick starts the lymphatic system. Lymph vessels are like blood vessels except they are full of clear lymphatic fluid that carries white blood cells (B cell and T cell lymphocytes) throughout your body so they can attack invaders and infected cells. We have about three times more lymphatic fluid than blood, but here’s the catch, there’s no pump! So the more we move the body. Jumping on a trampoline creates an increased G-force resistance (gravitational load) and positively stresses every cell in your body. As a result, it strengthens your entire musculoskeletal system: your bones, muscles, connective tissue, and even organs.  And it promotes lymphatic circulation by stimulating the millions of one-way valves in your lymphatic system. One should rebound at least 2 to 3 times a day for 5 to 10 minutes a see the wonders that will follow.

Walking for every day for 20 to 30 minutes is a great way of improving your immunity. Regular Golf is also a great immunity booster as you also get your sunbath! But no stopping at the 19th hole. I hope Ranjan can resume his week end golf soon. I also hope it warms us soon as R's excuse for not getting on the treadmill is that it is too cold.

The toughie is yoga. In spite of having a wonderful yoga teacher who comes every week day, Ranjan's excuses are now getting ludicrous. He does not realise how much yoga can help him particularly in boosting the immune system and strengthening his heart and lung capacity that have both been affected by chemotherapy. Yoga Detoxifies and oxygenates your system, balances the hormones you need for a strong immune system, reduces stress and fatigue, two precursors to lowered immunity and triggers acupressure points said to help evict viruses and bacteria from your body. There are many poses that help and Sanjeev the yoga teacher is the best person to guide him through this. Some of the recommended poses are : bow pose, shoulder stand, down dog, full cobra etc.

However pranayam or yogic breathing is a wonder cure for boosting immunity. I must now try all the tricks in my bag to get Ranjan on course.

So let us talk happiness

Today I am taking some time off from the immunity, cancer beating and waiting for June scene. Today I want to talk of happiness. This is because I stumbled upon an article that claims to give you 10 simple things that will make you happier, and they also claim that these things are backed by science. The reason for this aparte in due to the fact that someone I love dearly and who is an image of myself albeit 2 decades younger is going through a difficult time as just like me he cannot reconcile the person he is to the way the world turns. I have had my share of this existential crisis and have only learnt to deal with it when I was faced with my biggest challenge: Ranjan's cancer.

So let us talk happiness as it is only by being happy within the world we live in that can make us productive and grounded. I am going to quote from the article whilst I give it my twist. It will be more like 10 simple things you can do to make you happier when you are an adrenaline pushed, perfectionist and honest to a fault kind of being.

Exercise more is the first suggestion. It is suggested that 7 minutes could be sufficient. I agree totally as the last 7 days have been exercise free for me because of a back condition and I never realised how happier I felt after trudging on the treadmill for 40 minutes at 6km an hour. The happy hormones released were sufficient for the day. The article states: Exercise has such a profound effect on our happiness and well-being that it’s actually been proven to be an effective strategy for overcoming depression and I second that wholly. Exercise can help you to relax, increase your brain power. The article gives scientific proof of that. I would just like to add from my personal experience that you have to sort of switch off from the world and my way of doing that is by listening to a medley of songs I liked from age 10 onwards played randomly and which take me on an incredible time travel bringing smiles of my face as I sing along. In the span of 40 minutes I veer from becoming a child, to a teenager, to a woman and back to being a child. It is exhilarating. Try it. I guess the added time travel bit with music blaring so loud in my years that it shuts present is an added plus point.

Sleep more. That has never been a problem with Ranjan. I am the one who sleeps erratically and all tensed up. Once upon seeing my toes all stretched Ranjan thought I was pretending to sleep but when he tried to wake me up, he realised I was sound asleep, though my sleep is so light that any movement or noise has me jumping up. Sleep it is said in the article, is important to our happiness. It goes on to say that negative stimuli get processed by the amygdala; positive or neutral memories gets processed by the hippocampus. Sleep deprivation hits the hippocampus harder than the amygdala. The result is that sleep-deprived people fail to recall pleasant memories, yet recall gloomy memories just fine. Now to the question how much we should sleep. Eight ours is a myth. An article on the subject states that “people who sleep between 6.5 hr. and 7.5 hr. a night, live the longest, are happier and most productive” What’s even more interesting here is that sleeping longer than that might actually be worse for your health mentioning that: “Sleeping 8.5 hr. might really be a little worse than sleeping 5 hr.”

A little aparte for the sleep deprived person . Whether we are sleep deprived or not, we lose focus at times. And that is precisely where the sleep deprived person lands in a trap.The person bragging that they only slept 4 hours and still do great work, well, they are actually right with what they are saying. The only issue is that, they have no brainpower to steer them back to focus once they lose attention. Even worse so, sleep-deprived people don’t notice their decrease in performance.

Napping is an excellent habit. 20 minutes is all you need. And if you have a sleep problem, develop a sleep ritual. First you need an activity that disengages you from the every day work: it could be a late evening walk, playing with your kid though the kid often sleeps before you, listening to your favourite music with earphones, read fiction or poetry what is most important is to go to bed straight after this ritual. And have a clear ritual for you wake up time too. No matter what time I sleep, I get up at the same time and after a wash say my prayers, come down to my office and after lighting a lamp in the outside alter I sit at my computer and put on my mantra tape and spend time with myself.

The next simple thing to do to gain happiness is according to the same article: is move closer yo your work as a short commute is better than a big house. This does not apply to those I know but the logic given is the following: Our commute to the office can have a surprisingly powerful impact on our happiness. The fact that we tend to do this twice a day, five days a week, makes it unsurprising that its effect would build up over time and make us less and less happy. I leave to you to decide upon this one.

Another ingredient in the happiness recipe is to Spend time with friends and family – don’t regret it on your deathbed. There is a lot of good sense in this. I have come to realise this after Ranjan's illness.

The next item on the menu is go outside happiness is maximized at 13.9°C. Wonder how that works in a country like India.

Next comes the one I can swear by. Help others – 100 hours a year is the magical number. My life changed in 2000 when I met Manu and decided to do something for him. Since I have never felt happier. The trick is to dirty your hands and not just write a cheque. It makes you happier to help others and can change your life for the better in more ways than you can imagine.

Smile is the next thing on the agenda! Smiling is a science. Smiling stimulates our brain’s reward mechanisms in a way that even chocolate, a well-regarded pleasure-inducer, cannot match. Smiling can change our brain, through the powerful feedback loop we discussed above. And your brain keeps track of your smiles, kind of like a smile scorecard. It knows how often you’ve smiled and which overall emotional state you are in therefore. So crate your smile bank and make huge deposits in it. Smile whenever you can, even on the street to an unknown person and see the magic.

The next suggestion is a strange one but one that I can again vouch for as I am the greatest armchair traveller in the Universe. Plan a trip – but don’t take one! Have you never experienced the fact that planning for something that brings happiness is the best part of the exercise. As opposed to actually taking a holiday, it seems that planning a vacation or just a break from work can improve our happiness. The highest spike in happiness comes during the planning stage of a vacation as employees enjoyed the sense of anticipation. One study found that people who just thought about watching their favorite movie actually raised their endorphin levels by 27 percent! So plan an event and whenever you need a boost in happiness think about it. No wonder I the eternal planner am so happy!

Now comes the tricky one: Meditate. I have tried forever and find myself planning things whilst supposedly meditating. Meditation literally clears your mind and calms you down, it’s been often proven to be the single most effective way to live a happier life. Must give it yet another go. Mediation does wonders to you: it reduces anxiety, helps you to focus better, makes you more creative, more compassionate and so on. Must make Ranjan do it and try it myself too, It may prevent the meltdown lurking round the corner.

And last of all, practice gratitude. I have made my motto: busy being grateful and it has helped. I am grateful for everything the good or the bad. My father was a real bhakti yogi. His prayer went something like that: I am grateful for all You have given me, the good and the bad. I know that you will steer me out of all the challenges that you have sent my way. I will simply continue being grateful and praising you. Now it is for you to keep the faith of one who has surrendered everything to you. And it worked. I have been a witness to that. The article puts like this : There are lots of ways to practice gratitude, from keeping a journal of things you’re grateful for, sharing three good things that happen each day with a friend or your partner, and going out of your way to show gratitude when others help you.

The article ends with this statement: Getting older will make yourself happier. I am getting there!

I would again like to end with the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity 

 to accept the things I cannot change; 

 courage to change the things I can;

 and wisdom to know the difference. 

Living one day at a time; 

 Enjoying one moment at a time; 

 Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 

 Taking, as He did, this sinful world

 as it is, not as I would have it; 

 Trusting that He will make all things right

 if I surrender to His Will;

 That I may be reasonably happy in this life 

 and supremely happy with Him

 Forever in the next.

 Amen. 

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Happy Birthday Agastya

On January 21 2009 a little Angel landed in my life. From that day one I acquired a new cap: I became Nani. My life changed forever as no matter where the little wandered was, he always remained in a very special corner of my heart. You see God makes a space in your heart and leaves it empty till you become a Nani. The magic of this tiny space that lies vacant for decades, fills up on the blessed day you become a granny and then seems to take all the space in your heart.

My darling Agastya turns 5 today. He is a big boy or so he says. My love for him grows by the second and much to the horror of his parents, he has be around his little finger and just has to look at me with his huge melting eyes and Nani runs to the toy shop and buys all the remote cars, even the screeching ones knowing I will be greeted with angry stares.

My little chap has enabled me to live through these very difficult days as whenever I get a little sad or scared I just have to look at the umpteen pictures of him around me and a huge smile breaks on my face.

I wish him a life full of happiness and laughter and hope that when he grows up he remembers that his Nani loved him unconditionally.

Happy Birthday Agastya Noor Francesco Trani

Sunshine to Supplements

One needs more than a healthy diet to boost an immune system that has been practically annihilated by aggressive chemotherapy. I am talking of supplements in its broadest sense: vitamins, minerals, herbs and what is know as superfoods. From the instant I knew that Ranjan had cancer, I began my hunt  for such supplements across the board. There are many options that you get whilst surfing the net. Some of those one commonly comes across are: reishi, shitake and maitake  mushroom, cacao, bee pollen, maca, spirulina, goji berries, coconut oil,  garlic, echinacea, ginseng, turmeric, gingko biloba, cat’s claw, elderberry and astragalus. The ones highlighted are already on Ranjan's menu.

In addition to these I have also included some less conventional options that seem to be working well. Some strengthen the immune system, others target remaining cancer cells. I have talked about them in previous blogs but will run through them again giving links that confirm their benefits. Let us keep in mind that my search has always been for cancer preventive options and immunity boosters.

Soursop or graviola tea was one of the first supplement I added to Ranjan's diet plan. Soursop tea helps in preventing and fighting cancer. It is also known to strengthen the immune system. Three cups of soursop tea are sufficient. Soursop has many benefits and is now available in India. I have been giving Ranjan soursop leaves tea for over 8 months now and have been taking a glass myself. I have not seen any adverse side effects, quite the contrary as Ranjan had very few side effects during his chemotherapy and I believe that soursop tea did have its role to play. It is now believed that soursop has many health benefits. This article is worth a read. It is for you to decide whether you want to give it a try. Ranjan and I are living and kicking after 8 months of soursop.

Apricot seeds are the other supplement that has been part of Ranjan's diet for the past 8 months. Whereas he has about 15 seeds a day I have 6. They are meant to kill cancer cells without touching healthy cells. Apricot seeds are also called B17 or Laetrile. This article gives a comprehensive description of the way laetrile works. This is the recommended dosage: The usual recommendation for prevention is around 5 to 7 over the course of a day. For actual cancer cases use 2 to 3 times that. Some say one kernel for every 10 lbs of body weight. For maintenance after a cure, go back to 5 to 7 per day. Again I believe one should give it to try.

Mushrooms are big component of my treatment approach. I have been able to find fresh shitake mushrooms but reishi and maitake not being available fresh, I have added a mushroom supplement to his diet. It is known that these mushrooms can fight cancer. Ganoderma or Reishi has many benefits. It enhances and helps regulate the immune and endocrine system, prevent tumors, improving the circulation and eliminating harmful free radicals. It is available on line in India.

Cannabis is somehow a strange option to add on my list. It was suggested my a very dear friend. The benefits of cannabis leaves for curing cancer is now a known fact. The benefits of drinking cannabis leaves juice is available on many sites. To those who associate cannabis to pyschotropic drugs, let it be known that raw cannabis is actually loaded with a non-psychoactive, antioxidant, anti-inflammatory, and anti-cancer nutrient compound known as cannabidiol (CBD) that is proving to be a miracle “superfood” capable of preventing and reversing a host of chronic illnesses. I have not gone into cannabis juicing as yet as I lack resources, but on the advise of my friend, Ranjan and  I have 6 to 7 cannabis leaves crushed with some sugar and some cardamon seeds. I will try and grow more on my terrace!

Hemp seeds and oil are also supper foods. They are available in India on line. And what's more is that they can be turned into great recipes. Hemp seed and oil pesto is out of this world. In India they have been used to make chutneys for ages. Hemp seed oil is reputed to be the most unsaturated oil derived from the plant kingdom. Hemp seed oil has been dubbed "Nature's most perfectly balanced oil", due to the fact that it contains the perfectly balanced 3:1 ratio of Omega 6 (linolei/LA) to Omega 3 (alpha-linolenic/LNA) essential fatty acids, determined to be the optimum requirement for long-term healthy human nutrition. Hemp oil cures cancer as the essential and non-essential amino acids are present in abundance in the oil and thus when hemp oil is regularly used by cancer patients, there are chances of cure. Hemp seeds are gift from nature. They are a complete protein. This is one of the most potent foods available, supporting optimal health and well being, for life. Raw hemp provides a broad spectrum of health benefits, including: weight loss, increased and sustained energy, rapid recovery from disease or injury, lowered cholesterol and blood pressure, reduced inflammation, improvement in circulation and immune system as well as natural blood sugar control. Need I say more.

It is my search for vegan proteins that brought hemp seeds my way. I also brought quinoa and chia seeds. They are now available in India but slightly expensive. Quinoa has a very hight protein content and many other nutrients. Chia seeds are also a real superfood. They are packed in protein and have many more nutrients. Both these are excellent to boost the immune system.

These are some of the supplements I have been using. They seem to have worked!

I am falling apart

Ranjan's last results came in. His haemoglobin is now 11 and all the other results are good. You cannot imagine how happy I am. It has been a long battle as for over a year Ranjan's haemoglobin had not touched 2 digits. At one point it dipped to 7 and we had to transfuse him! So you can imagine my elation when I saw the number 11! And that too without any booster shot. I can never forget the day when he came to me after taking is weight that had  dropped to 68 kilos and telling me: I am falling apart. My heart skipped many beats as I swore to myself that I will do everything I can and more to put my Humpty Dumpy back together again!

It has been along battle with many ups and downs. But today I know he is back together again and will remain so! True we are not out of the woods and cannot let down our guards but somehow I know that we will reach the end of the tunnel sooner than later. 

all the numbers

Children speak in the voice of God and a often carry God's messages to you. That is what I firmly believe. Sometimes when you are going through a bad patch and when all seems dark, an innocuous remark by a child brings that much needed ray of light. My grandson who will be 5 tomorrow always manages to save me from myself.

A few days back he came on Skype and decided to teach his Nanou and Nani a new game. It goes like this: I love you 75 says he to which you reply I love you 135 and the games go with numbers high and low till he says: I love you all the numbers! Of course only he is allowed to say the punch line as he has to win. We laughed our hearts out and have been playing the game ever since. But the message I got was that as long as that little Angel loves me all the numbers we are safe!

And I child love you all the numbers and all the letters in all the alphabets of the world.

PS: I did not rotate the picture. This is how he posed.

The way the cookie crumbles

Apologies for this post being about yours truly but I guess some of you out there do care about how I am doing and I must admit, albeit sheepishly, that I am in need of some TLC. For quite some time now I have been wondering if, when and how my adrenaline crash would happen. I had thought that it would be emotional and mental. Seems I was wrong. My mind is still travelling at the speed of light and rearing to give that one way ticket to the moon to Mr Hodgkin. There is no doubt on that. My battle to get Ranjan's immune system back on the track is spot on. No change there. But it is my darned body that has decided not to cooperate. First there was stress colic that was so bad that they needed an injection to calm down. Now my back has decided to play up. Excruciating pain that again needed a shot yesterday but is back this morning with a vengeance!

Those who know me, are aware of the fact that I can stand any attack at the emotional level but am a wimp when it comes to physical pain. Moreover courtesy my back I am unable to sit for long hence cannot indulge in my favourite stress buster: writing! But that is not all. With this back issue it is has been bye bye to my fix of happy hormones as no treadmill! Grrrr! This is infuriating.

The back, according to good old Doc P is not a backbone issue, but a muscular one. As pain killers and anti inflammatory pills have not worked I guess it will have to be physiotherapy. What a pother! It is time consuming and irritating. Anyway has to  be done.

Before I end, a little word about the picture. In these days of selfies, I thought I would take the liberty of putting one of my favourite pictures of myself age 2! Th picture was taken in China in 1954 and is a good shot of the back that is paining!

What's next on the menu

After stress, sugar and sunshine what's next on the immune boosting menu? Just that a menu! Or should I say nutrition. The diet recommended to boost immunity is an alkaline diet. A diet rich in plant foods that includes lots of vegetables, greens, fruits, raw seeds and nuts, fermented foods, beans and whole grains is essential to a healthy way of life. Ideally, you'll also want to eat a high percentage of raw foods, 50-75%.

Ranjan's diet includes almost all the foods mentioned in the chart above barring those not easily available in India. It also includes lots of raw seed and nuts and whole grains. The problem I envisage is to try and get him to eat more raw foods. I began an alternate day raw food diet on the advise of a friend who had terrific results and had gone all raw food and I must say I felt great on the days I ate only raw food and seeds. I stopped a while back when it became very cold and the sight of a salad at lunch and a gazpacho at dinner was quite unbearable, but will resume as soon as it gets a tad warmer. I will also have to convince Ranjan to try it out at least twice a week or so or have one raw meal a day. I am sure it will be possible.  Raw foods provide live phytonutrients, enzymes, vitamins and minerals that are eliminated substantially when foods are cooked. They nourish and enhance the growth of healthy cells and keep your entire body working at optimal levels.

As far as fats are concerned only good fats are recommended: avocado, olive oil, coconut oil, nuts and seeds. Here we are spot on! Just have to convince Ranjan of staying on this diet. Not easy as he dreams of raclette and achar meat!

While we are talking nutrition I think we should also talk of the importance of antioxidants as they play a big role in boosting the immune system and many are found in foods.  Antioxidants include Vitamin C, Vitamin E, beta-carotene, bioflavonoids, selenium, lipoic acid, and many others. They are essential for fighting or neutralising free radicals caused by oxidation, which occurs as a result of environmental and dietary toxins.  Free radicals are incomplete electrons that are looking to steel electrons from other molecules, thus creating a chain reaction (molecules steeling from molecules) and ultimately damaging cells and DNA.

Some of the best foods include green leafy vegetables, other vegetables (such as peppers, broccoli, eggplant, cabbage and carrots), berries (including goji berries), nuts and beans. Here too we are spot on barring eggplant a vegetable Ranjan dislikes, but accepts in the form of baba ganoush.

After stress and sugar here comes the sun

Vitamin D3 is essential to our immune system. The best source is the sun! However we seem to shun the sun, or affront it after sloshing all kind of sunscreens. Vitamin D deficiency is much more common than we imagine. You will be surprised to know that Vitamin D3 is a repair and maintenance steroid responsible for the regulation of over 3,000 genes. It is also a potent antibiotic that is intimately involved with a vast amount of disorders and diseases. This makes it a vital component of a healthy immune system and is best obtained from the sun, with supplementation being an alternative option.

There are many articles to substantiate this. In a major breakthrough  discovered that Vitamin D is crucial to activating our immune defences and that without sufficient intake of the vitamin, the killer cells of the immune system -- T cells -- will not be able to react to and fight off serious infections in the body. For T cells to detect and kill foreign pathogens such as clumps of bacteria or viruses, the cells must first be 'triggered' into action and 'transform' from inactive and harmless immune cells into killer cells that are primed to seek out and destroy all traces of a foreign pathogen. The researchers found that the T cells rely on vitamin D in order to activate and they would remain dormant, 'naïve' to the possibility of threat if vitamin D is lacking in the blood.

So a very simple and inexpensive way of recharging your body's defence system is sitting in the sun. This applies for everyone, not only cancer survivors! So do spend sometime in the sun without SUNSCREEN! You can get up to 90% of your requirements from exposure to sunlight.

As I said there are innumerable articles on how Vitamin D influences our immune system. Some studies explore the health impact of suboptimal circulating levels of vitamin D, with association studies linking vitamin D 'insufficiency' to several chronic health problems including autoimmune and cardiovascular disease, hypertension and common cancers.

Vitamin D plays a key role in boosting the immune system. So the question arises about how to boost your immune system with vitamin D. Well sunshine of course and we in India are lucky to have plenty of it. One should try and get 20 to 30 minutes of exposure per day. You can also take a supplement or still better eat foods rich in vitamin D. The best sources are: cod liver oil, salmon, eggs, mushrooms and shrimps in moderation.

Ranjan does like sitting in the sun in winter. I guess once he resumes golf than he will have plenty of sunlight. Will have to figure how to manage the 30 minutes in the hot summer.

Boosting the immune system -step 2 Sugar

The battle to boost Ranjan's immune system is on! In my last post I talked about chronic stress and how it was the main cause of Ranjan's cancer. Today I take on sugar, a tricky one when the man loves sugar in all its avatars not to forget the Scottish one. I have been badgering about how sugar feeds cancer but though he makes all the appropriate sounds and gestures, I do not think the gravity of the situations registers in his brain. The proof: his perennial question after every meal and what's for dessert!

Convincing him that sugar has to be give up is going to be my biggest challenge. I need to arm myself with as much knowledge as I can and hope that my constant nagging will bear fruit. In this case I do not mind being called the nagging wife! So let us begin.

Eating or drinking too much sugar curbs immune system cells that attack bacteria. As if that was not enough CANCER CELLS FEED ON SUGAR!

There innumerable articles that prove this fact. Nobel Prize winner Otto Warburg made many startling discoveries about cancer. According to him cancer metabolises through a process of fermentation and fermentation requires sugar. Voila!

It is interesting to note that the way laetrile or the component found in apricot kernels is because cancer loves sugar. Here is how it works: cancer loves sugar. The sugar in the apricot pits surrounds a phytochemical called: nitriloside. The cancer draws in the sugar, eats it, and releases the nitriloside. Now cancer cells contain great quantities of beta-glucosidase, an enzyme. When beta-glucosidase meets with nitriloside, they create hydrogen cyanide and benzaldehyde. Both are poisons. Since they've been released at the cancer site, they kill the cancer. Interesting!

And there is more a new MRI study shows that cancer thrives on sugar. After sensitising an MRI scanner to look specifically for glucose in the body, it was revealed that cancer tumours, which feed off sugar, light up brightly as they contain high amounts of sugar. Maybe in the future MRI would not have to use radioactive materials but inject sugar.

There is no doubt, cancer feeds on sugar. It is now considered as toxic as alcohol and tobacco. It is believed that sugar and cancer are locked in a death grip, yet oncologists often fail to do what's necessary to stop their patients from feeding their cancers with sweets.  In research published June 26, 2012 in the journal Molecular Systems Biology, Graeber and his colleagues demonstrate that glucose starvation—that is, depriving cancer cells of glucose—activates a metabolic and signalling amplification loop that leads to cancer cell death as a result of the toxic accumulation of reactive oxygen species.

I think I have sufficient data to prove my point. Now I need to make it palatable and acceptable to someone who loves sugar and yearns for it. It is not mean task. Wish me luck.

Let us boost the immune system - step 1 stress

The first step in my new mission that aims at ensuring that Mr H does not come visiting again is to take all steps possible to boost Ranjan's immune system.Let us first acknowledge with respect that our body is nothing short of miraculous and that our immune system is an amazing internal healing system that was designed to keep us healthy and strong from a physical, mental and spiritual perspective. As I wrote in an earlier post the most probable cause for Ranjan's lymphoma has been negative stress, also known as chronic stress. This is not the healthy stress that keeps us on our toes and gets our adrenaline pumping for the right reasons and is often more like a situation reaction process and thus short lived. The stress that leads to severe illness is the one that puts us in a fight for flight mode over an extended period of time. It is one which often affects our deepest emotions and tends to negative thoughts that become the main cause of physiological stress at the cellular level and lead to our immune system weakening and eventually breaking down. Thus one has to deal with these problems at a deep level and often one cannot do it alone. Actually it is our belief that we are able to address such issues by ourselves which leads to breakdowns. I must admit that this is Ranjan's case. For far too long he tried to deal with deep emotional issues on his own and we are witness to the consequences. We are blessed to have come out of the initial problem but if we do not address the root cause, we will land ourselves in trouble sooner than we realise.

It is proven fact that stress affects the immune system. When we’re stressed, the immune system’s ability to fight off antigens is reduced. That is why we are more susceptible to infections.The stress hormone corticosteroid can suppress the effectiveness of the immune system (e.g. lowers the number of lymphocytes). When the stress is chronic as is the case with Ranjan then the consequences can be terrible.

A scholarly article entitled Stress, depression, the immune system, and cancer studies this in depth: Here, we overview the evidence that various cellular and molecular immunological factors are compromised in chronic stress and depression and discuss the clinical implications of these factors in the initiation and progression of cancer. It goes to say that Cancer is a heterogeneous group of diseases with multiple causes, and immunological involvement varies across different cancers. Cancers induced by chemical carcinogens might be less affected by psychological, behavioural, and immunological factors than are those associated with a DNA tumour virus, retrovirus insertion near a cellular oncogene, or other viruses such as Epstein Barr virus, which is immunogenic. Suppression of cellular immunity is associated with a higher incidence of some types of tumours, particularly Epstein Barr virus-associated lympho- proliferative diseases in organ-transplanted patients, and Kaposi's sarcoma and Epstein Barr virus-associated B-cell lymphoma. 

So here we have it, the pattern that Ranjan's case followed: the unsolvable stress leading to depression that led to suppression of the immune system and then the B cell lymphoma! I have been crying this till I went hoarse but few believed me. But now I feel strong enough to assert my ideas, however idiosyncratic they may seem to doubting Cassandras.

Hence if we want Ranjan to heal and be cured we need to address first and foremost the cause of his chronic stress which sadly is still very much there. I will not reveal the details as they are too personal but have to work out a coping mechanism that will remove the toxic stress. In this case, it may just have to be a one way street.

The usual remedies suggested for dealing with stress are yoga, meditation, acupressure, music, biofeedback, relaxation and even just standing still. The net is replete with articles on the subject. One needs to find coping mechanisms and make mild life style changes.

In Ranjan's case I think he should begin each day with Reinhold Niebuhr's Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity 

 to accept the things I cannot change; 

 courage to change the things I can;

 and wisdom to know the difference

Understanding R's lymphoma

I have been a little anxious about what awaits us all for the months to come. Six months seems a long time to wait for what we may call the 'real picture': when we actually know whether we have won our battle or not. I met my friendly neighbourhood doctor yesterday who had put my health on hold many many months ago. The adrenaline fix I was under seemed to be keeping my mind-body-soul going if not kicking. Now that the chemo saga was over and that conventional medicine I given its interim verdict: remission, the next six months looked rather empty as all one had to do is wait, a wait quite akin to that of Vladimir and Estragon in Beckett's play Waiting for Godot! So my good old Doc feared a massive adrenaline drop that could lead to other problems and even depression. I guess he is right from his point of view, but that is not quite the way it is.

I am an adrenaline junkie and do not function unless in a state of stress. The few moments in my life when I have been on an adrenaline low have been dark times. I need a mission to survive. A true zealot! Now that we are over with conventional therapies and have to live with the fear of the morrow, I have set my heart to ensure that there is no return of Mr H or any of his acolytes. There was a reason why he landed upon us and the one way to ensure that he does not come back is to remove that reason. Along the way, unfortunately, we will have to repair the damage made by the nasty 4 (ABVD).

I searched for the supposed causes for lymphoma and realised that in our case the cause was emotional and not physical. The only physical damage is the one the disease made before it was unearthed from the dark corner it was hiding in and the damage done by the treatment that seems to be akin to using a bomb to kill a fly. But as long as we can remove the main cause that brought about the problem we are home safe.

I know what the problem is but sadly again it is something that I cannot be of great help in as only Ranjan can quieten his demons and find the closure he so desperately needs. I can only try and nudge him as diplomatically and gently as possible. I will certainly give it my very best. However I can create all the most enabling environment and tackle all the physical issues that need to be addressed.

So to begin I need to ferret some more and find out what lymphoma does to one's body. First and foremost is affects the drainage of the lymphatic system and the dysfunction of the lymphocytes affect the body's immune system and defence against infections. In hindsight this has been the case as Ranjan's blood counts were in free fall from August 2012. Ranjan's lymphoma is located in the abdominal cavity. They are the abdominal retroperitoneal and pelvic lymph nodes and receive drainage from the upper gastrointestinal tract and the abdominal organs. So any blockage or dysfunction would create digestive tract issues, even the ones we would like to avoid, at least when we are not alone. But the big culprit in this case is chemo as let is not forget it is a progeny of mustard gas! I am inured and as I am neither a pregnant woman nor nursing mother I am safe! On the lighter side someone invented a special anti flatulence underwear! Believe it or not it has has a pocket on the rear that has a replaceable activated charcoal packet, which the subject farts through has a pocket on the rear that has a replaceable activated charcoal packet, which the subject farts through! But we have not come to that! However the man was a little concerned about the magnitude of this problem. I can reassure him now.

In my quest towards understanding what Hodgkin's disease really is, I came across this interesting article. It gives quite a balanced description of the ailment and ends with these words of caution: Patients with HL do have some immune suppression because of the disease and have a higher risk of getting certain infections. Patients who are successfully treated for HL continue to have this immune suppression and long term have a higher risk of leukemia and some other cancers because of their therapy. So there is no way to keep the guards down.

It is all about the immune system, is it not!

Let us take it from the top

BoneMarrow-BoneMarrow-BoneMarrow-BoneMarrow is the new mantra I need to chant if I want to see  Ranjan cured. I was aware of this but maybe did not take it as seriously as I should have. A call from a friend whose dear one lost the battle to Hodgkin's reminded me of this when she told me that they had not quite taken the steps needed to strengthen the bone marrow. And let us not forget that from Day 1 itself my Tibetan Doctor has been repeating that all she is interested in is to ensure that Ranjan's bone marrow remains healthy.

I could have kicked the oncologist you know where, when he told Ranjan that he was cancer free. Oh how wish doctor used their brains before uttering half truths! We all knew that chemo had done its bit and how can one forget that people like my two trusted healers told me that a scan taken right after chemno can only be good and did not reveal the true picture. The true picture will emerge after at least 6 months if and only if we take care of the bone marrow.

Before I rush into conjuring another cornucopia of cures, I think it is time I sat back and understood what lymphoma actually is. Quite frankly I never had the chance to understand the disease as things went a little out of my control freak hands when after 13 months of Ranjan fading away, a name had finally been put on what ailed him. Then I got caught in a spate of things beyond my control - scans, biopsies, bone marrow aspiration, chemos and more of the same. My task was to ensure minimum side effects to the chemo and keep R's morale up. Long term had to give way to short term. And I ran an obstacle race just keeping a few tiny steps ahead of the dreaded treatment.

We are now off any conventional treatment after the almost incautious and thoughtless remark of the oncologist that could be summed up as: you are cancer free, see you in six months! Was I to go by that, then we should life like king size and hope for the best. That is the way with specialists! They are only concerned with their tiny window of specialisation and its protocols. The rest is of no importance. They would enter the dance again if, God forbid, cancer was to appear again and would spew another set of lethal protocols.

I do not work like that. Time I took over again.

So what is lymphoma and why does it destroy the bone marrow. Come to think of it, if I look at Ranjan's blood results over the last six months, it looks like the culprit in the bone marrow issue are the (in)famous 4: adryamicin, bleomycin, vinblastine and dacarbazine a.k.a ABVD. But we are over with that and I have been handed back my man with loads of side effects that need to be addressed and taken care off.

To be able to do that it is important to know what lymphoma is. Dictionary definition: cancer of the lymph nodes. So step one is to understand what lymph nodes are. One definition is: Lymph is clear or white fluid that travels through vessels, moves within tissues and work to keep all the parts of the body clean. After passing through the channels of the lymphatic system they drain into the lymph nodes. 
The lymph nodes act as filters along the lymphatic system. These nodes trap germs like bacteria, viruses, toxins as well as cancer cells and ensure that these are removed from the body. The lymph nodes hold the lymphocytes, a type of white blood cell. These act as fighters against foreign invasion by bacteria, viruses, cancer cells or toxins. The lymphocytes also help control the immune response. These lymphocytes originate from stem cells in the bone marrow. And thus lymphoma is a type of cancer that begins in immune system cells called lymphocytes. Like other cancers, lymphoma occurs when lymphocytes are in a state of uncontrolled cell growth and multiplication.

There are two primary cancer of the lymph nodes: Hodgkin's and Non Hodgkin's lymphoma. Ranjan has the former. There are differences between the two. Hodgkin's tends to arise from what is called the Epstein-Barr virus and contain Reed-Sternberg Cells, which are necessary for diagnosis. The malignant cells that form usually remain localized in one lymph node or a surrounding chain. Is that good or bad news. I do not know. It is said that Hodgkin's Disease is one of the most curable cancers with a 'cure' rate (5 years or more cancer free) between 60 and 90%. That is if we go by conventional medicine. This is not acceptable to me. Between 60 and 90% and 5 years are statistics I refuse to go by. I seek total cure till infinity.

I had always felt a small sense of guilt at the length of time it took to diagnose Ranjan's cancer. I must confess that having had both my parents taken away from me by this dreaded disease, I did not want Ranjan to be diagnosed with the same. But reading this article today as brought me a small measure of comfort as it states quite clearly that the symptoms of this form of lymphoma are so nearly like those of some other diseases that it is necessary for a physician to arrange for the removal and microscopic examination of one of the enlarged lymph nodes for diagnosis. And one must not forget that Ranjan's lymphoma was hidden in the abdomen and not visible at all. I guess we did our best.  An Epstein Barr virus test done in July 2013 was negative, and this virus is one of the main cause of Hodgkin's. Wonder how we could have done it better.

Now let us come to the causes. This seems to be nebulous. One article states that the exact cause of Hodgkin disease is not known. However, scientists have found that the disease is linked with a few conditions, such as infection with the Epstein-Barr virus. Some researchers think that this may lead to DNA changes in B lymphocytes, leading to the development of the Reed-Sternberg cell and Hodgkin disease. Scientists do not yet know what sets off these processes. An abnormal reaction to the Epstein-Barr virus or to other infections may be the trigger in some cases. In Ranjan's case the Epstein-Barr Virus was negative 3 weeks before we got our final diagnosis.

So let us look for other causes. Like all cancers it is a genetic mutation that causes cells to multiply abnormally. A list of possible triggers is given here but none apply to Ranjan: he never had a medical condition that suppressed his immune system, nor was he exposed to the Epstein-Barr virus nor did he have any chemo or radition therapy as his is a primary and not a secondary lymphoma. I perused article after article and could not find any probable cause. It seems like always that the medical fraternity is clueless about the cause issue. I even found an article that listed causes like: Fewer siblings, early birth order, single-family homes, and fewer playmates are associated with an increased risk of developing Hodgkin lymphoma -- possibly due to a lack of exposure to bacterial and viral infections at an early age. I guess living in India gives you sufficient exposure to bacterial and viral infections. If you try and interpret this in another way it may sound like having multiple infections may protect you from cancer. Sounds far fetched to me.

This leads us to something I have always believed in and that is that cancer is an emotional shock. In an interesting article Dr Keith Nemec states that the two mental /emotional causes of cancer are acute high stress traumatic shocks and chronic long term negative stress called distress. Traumatic shocks, which are totally unexpected, cause a mind, brain and body reaction that can trigger the formation of cancer. The first mental/emotional cause of cancer is chronic distress or negative stress that causes the hormone cortisol to go out of balance and weaken the immune system. This opens the door to cancer growth. I need not go any further. This is the reason for Ranjan's cancer. I will not say more.

So I now sort of know what lymphoma is and have sort of figured out why it happened to Ranjan. In hindsight I could not have done much to prevent it. Now that we have given a shot to conventional therapy and got our first remission, I need to try and figure out what we need to do ensure that it does not come back and mission 1 would be to deal with stress and emotional traumas and mission 2 with his bone marrow and immune system.

Lots on my plate. Let us get on with it!

won't do you or them any good

Giving all of yourself up to take care of another won't do you or them any good wrote a someone very dear and who loves me very much! So because the words came from such a person, I did not brush them away as I would have, but pondered over them. The first question that came to my mind was whether I really did give all of myself up for others. True this is the impression I may have created over the last months as I became Ranjan's cancer buddy, but is this the way I seem to others? Time for a bit of soul searching and time travelling. The question I need to ask myself honestly is when am I at my happiest, at my most productive and at my best, whatever that may mean. The answer is not difficult. It is when I feel useful and wanted. And though I love solitude, that solitude has to come as a counterpoint to a situation where I am not alone. Let us forget all these convoluted explanations. The simple fact is that to feel alive I need to be doing things for others. Devoid of that ability I am no one. Nothing!

I need to give all of myself. I need to take care of others to be me. It is only when I do so that I - to use a coffee ad line - come alive! I have to have my adrenaline pumping to be able to give my best. I thrive on crises situation, need to take decisions. This makes me feel wanted, if you know what I mean. This applies to my personal as well as my work life.

And it is in these moments that I know who I am and why I am.

If I reach out to someone then it is a commitment that has to go all the way. I am prepared for the worst if that is to be as any other option cannot be acceptable. The pain, if any, is part of the deal. I simply take cared of along the way!

This is all I need

Many friends and well wishers are convinced that it is time I took a break! Ranjan has been hounding me about where I would like to go when all this is over. From cruises to holidays in exotic lands, the options he offered were endless and yet all the poor man got from me is a litany of noes! It is not that I do not appreciate his concern but quite honestly there is not a place in the world I want to go to. My elder daughter is wanting me to take a break and go to a spa. I have invites from the world over to take a break. But though I am overwhelmed by the generosity and concern of all those who care for me, the answer remains a whispered no! Wise counsel I guess, in normal circumstances and for 'normal' beings. But not quite for me.

When I look back at my adult life, I realise that the occasions have taken time off alone are close to nil. It is not because of lack of opportunities or resources, it is simply because I feel the best when I am in my home, surrounded by the myriad of things that make me comfortable: my books, my music, the pictures on the wall, my cosy work room and the tiny corner I tuck myself in to write. The list ins endless. It took me a lifetime to set the stage the way I liked it.

As an only child I learnt to create an imaginary world replete with imaginary friends where I could take off for any place in the universe simply by picking a book from the shelf and finding a tiny space to devour it in. I could in the flash a moment become a Navajo girl fighting for her tribe, one of the famous  Five or Secret Seven, or any heroine of the novels I read. Space and Time were in my control and I liked that. It gave me a strange power that was mine alone. And somehow nothing could compare to my way of traveling. And maybe that is why I am dislike any travel that takes me away from my little nook. And though I have travelled more than my share as my parents dragged me to every possible destination from the time I was a child to when when I turned into a moody and rebellious adolescent. By the time papa retired I had had my fill of archeological sites, ruins, wonders of the world and more.

Then came marriage and domestication. It suited me as the children were a good excuse to not having to go places. The idea of packing was always disturbing. I guess this feeling had its roots in the nomadic life I led as a child when every three years or so I was told that we were moving to a new place. Then came the stern instruction from mama that I was to sort out my toys and books and give most away. That was heart wrenching. Leaving friends that had been so painstakingly nurtured was a nightmare, as one had to deal with the fact that one did not 'look' like others. What awaited was  unknown, scary, terrifying as I traced my finger on the globe from Rabat to Saigon, or Saigon to Algiers and then Ankara: a new school, the need to make new friends. Packing was nothing short of daunting. And somehow, even today, the idea of having to pack for a holiday is still terrifying.

So when about 2 decades ago, I could without guilt dig in my roots, I did with alacrity and impunity comparing myself to a banyan tree. I was done with suitcases and overnight bags and for the past 2 decades have not ventured very far away from home. I have my favourite haunts when I need to get out and air the old biddy but they are in a circle of 5km from home.

But I have evolved my ways of taking off. My early morning daily tryst with my computer when all around me is silent, the book I read in the three wheeler each time I need to venture out, my book on my night table that lulls me to sleep and above all my writing.

How do I tell those I love that this is all I need.