Reality bites and reality check

Exactly 21 years ago, almost to the day, I had to make one of the most difficult decisions of my life. Papa who looked like a man in the pink of health, though we was 81, was diagnosed with colon cancer. We had both barely recovered from mama's decision to refuse any sort of treatment for her cancer and accompanied her journey towards death the best we could. Those days there was no Internet or sufficient data on alternative therapies. So we evolved our own which was pampering her to the hilt and smothering her with our love, even when she was difficult and demanding. How can I forget the nights papa spent on a tiny stool holding her hand night after night and waking her up every hour before patting her to sleep again. You see she did not want to die in her sleep and he did because he loved her! Her decision to refuse any treatment was difficult for those of us who loved her, but papa accepted it in spite of everything. Only I know what he went through.

18 months later, when he was diagnosed with cancer, he placed his trust in me. The ever and over optimists oncologist told us he would be back on his feet in less than a month. Having seen mama go in pain. I got seduced by the doctor. Of course at that time the doctor's description of the procedure was not what actually happened. Though I had pleaded with him not to perform a colostomy and place a bag as I knew my papa would not accept this stripping of his dignity, the doctor did not understand my side of the story. Papa walked into the nursing home smiling and with a spring in his gait on November 1st and was handed back to me on the 15th mutilated and with a colostomy bag. It just took him 14 days to die. To see him go like this was heart wrenching as I had practically never seen him sick. I will never rid myself of the guilt of having robbed him of his dignity and given him such a humiliating death.

21 years later I find myself in the same place. This time it is Ranjan who has placed his undying trust in me to chart his medical journey. I did accept chemotherapy. I still wonder why. But many I trust told me to. The only difference between the 40 year old and the 61 year old is that I am armed with better knowledge and aware of the pitfalls I may encounter. True jargon is thrown at me with obsessive regularity and sometimes I am caught unawares, but it just takes me a few moments on the net to plan my counter attack. I so wish the medical fraternity was honest and laid out all the cards on the table before asking you for a decision. I am not saying that your oncologist should say: well dear lady you can chose between toxic chemotherapy and a frozen lemon and hemp leaves! What I would want to hear is all the possible side effects of the proposed protocol and not  have them dole out when you are caught in the infernal spiral. I remember being told that 8 chemos might be sufficient and that would be decided after a scan post chemo 6. Yesterday the 8 chemo story was vehemently refuted and more letters thrown at me: this time A and B. If it were A then 8 was enough but as it is B then we need 12. But we knew it was B all the time so why did they tell us 8 at all. I get reminded of the Little Red Riding Hood wolf who says: To see you better my child!

Now let me elucidate a little about the A and B story. 'A' symptoms mean that you should be able to detect your cancer without any symptom. Now unless it is visible or you have undergone a scan for some other reason and discovered the tumour, then it would be possible to detect it, but with no symptoms, or symptoms that resemble the ones of many other conditions, you are never likely to have just 'A' symptoms. 'B' symptoms in Hodgkin's are fever, loss of weight, chills etc. I must admit these are the ones that made us aware that something was wrong. When it all happened Ranjan wanted to lose weight and was on a diet!

The diagnosis was made after a CT Scan! But then we had to have a bone marrow biopsy, a surgical biopsy and a PET scan to confirm what we knew. The best case scenario was stage 1B and the worst case 2B. So please do not tell me today that 4 cycles (8 chemos) are for stage 'A' only. I did not dream that figure. It is just that someone had decided we need 6 cycles and everything will be said to concur with that.

I went to see my Tibetan Doctor yesterday to ask her opinion. I told her that they were doing a PET scan again before deciding how many chemos we still need. She laughed and told me that any investigation scan or tumour markers would show positive progress if done during chemo. The true picture would only emerge after 6 to 8 months post the last chemo. She told me that she would continue her treatment and then we will see the real picture in June 2014!

I tried to convey this to our doctor who shot it down because we had to follow a protocol. I also told him that so many PET scans cannot be good for any one but when you face a well rehearsed script that has worked, you have to concede defeat. To me the whole approach of chemotherapy is skewed. You are actually nuking an ant! And if that was not enough you give proof of that every 15 days. You need to have reports that show you how many healthy cells have been nuked so that you can artificially create more cells to nuke them again! It goes like 3000 WBCs boosted to 19 000 and then nuked to 3000 and boosted again to 18000. I find it difficult to believe that it can be good for the body. And throughout all the cycles that is all we know. How many good cells have died. No one tells you about the cancerous ones. Ah but there are tests but those are expensive and never prescribed. So you journey blindfolded till you are told OK, that is enough! Now chemo only destroys cells when they are dividing be it healthy one or cancerous ones. If you want to know how chemo actually works you could read this article. One only hopes that when the men in white decide to stop your chemos, most of the cancer cells have been destroyed.

Nature functions in a different way altogether. The natural cancer remedies attack only cancer cells. As an example let us take the apricot kerntel that kills cancer cells. Apricot kernels contain amagdylin. Amagdylin has cyanide that is locked in. Cancer cells contain an enzyme that other cells do not share, beta-glucosidase. This enzyme, virtually exclusive to cancer cells, is considered the "unlocking enzyme" for amagdylin molecules. It releases both the benzaldyhide and the cyanide, creating a toxic synergy that destroys the cancer cell. Sadly these studies have been suppressed. There are many natural products that work in similar ways one of them being hemp! Cannabis for Cancer! What a great idea!

Talking of serendipity, I just got a mail from dear dear friends that was God sent. They gently advised me to follow the doctor's protocol and then take over and make sure that by June 2014 all the tests will prove total cure! Bless them. I now see light at the end of the tunnel.

But one last thing before I end this rather lengthy post. I still would like to be told in details the short term and long term side effects of every drug that is poured in the veins of the one I love. The word protocol is too vague. During his first chemo, Ranjan was given a potent steroid in the pre medication and gosh he went on a real trip! He was time traveling and we were simply scared. Thank god that medication was removed from the protocol. Now we have been told that one of the medicines of his ABVD protocol namely 'B' or Bleomycin affects the lung and hence we need a lung function test to assess the situation an maybe change the protocol. Somehow, I would have liked to know that even if nothing would have changed.

Anyway I am a control freak and will remain one till my death. So I find comfort in knowledge and information. That is who I am and the old biddy will not change.